Am I good enough?
Is a question I’m asking myself daily at the moment.
I woke up this morning and anxiety hit me like a wave, pulling me under with what felt like water churning so fast I couldn’t find the strength to battle to the surface for air.
I haven’t experienced an anxiety attacked since February – because I actively made big changes in my life to make sure I could breathe again: I’ve fallen in love, I’ve made new friends - life is really, really good. The best, actually.
I’ve also made the decision to quit my job and go to America. And when I’m back my job will be my blog.
And it’s like today I’ve realised how scary as shit that really is.
I have seriously amazing opportunities on the horizon and everything to be excited about but all I can think is ‘am I making a mistake?’. Taking a leap of faith to rely on you to do you the best way you can is a much bigger deal than I first gave myself credit for.
Everyone has said things like ‘I wish I was as brave as you’ but I’ve not felt I’m being brave at all. Because the truth is, deep down, I really don’t feel like I’ve got my shit together – at all.
I’m taking chances.
Playing with fire and praying I don’t get burned.
I’m worried that I won’t be good enough for the opportunities I’m lucky enough to get.
I’m worried I’ll let my family down when they believe in me so much.
I’m worried I’d be better at a 9-5 office job and that maybe I’m not cut out for the pressure.
But then, if I never try I’ll never know.
I guess the reason I’m writing this is to reaffirm with myself, and you, that it’s okay to freak out a bit. It’s okay to be unsure, fear the unknown, doubt yourself. That’s normal, isn’t it?
I think so.
Today, Laura reiterated a quote she once heard to me:
‘The road to success is paved with corpses… And they’re all suicides’.
And I know I don’t want to be that. I don’t want to be a stepping stone for some else’s success. I don’t want to give up.
This might be a bump in the road, but if this last year has taught me anything it’s that I’m capable of trying.
Sometimes trying is the best we can do.