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Saturday, 10 October 2015

COLOUR THE WORLD.

Leave me in the wild. By Alexandra Cameron. 
March 4th feels like forever ago, now.

The day I woke up and felt prepared to try and move on from a relationship I’d always imagined would last as long as my heart was beating and the air filled my lungs. The day that I realised that if he'd proposed to someone else, within a matter of months of us separating, I just didn’t need to carry the weight of heartbreak so heavy anymore.

It hasn't been plain sailing since then. It’s been a lot of things. Incredibly hard, incredibly liberating, soul-destroying and character building. It’s made me stronger through the emotions its forced me to feel and now here we are, 7 months on.

And he's married.

They tie the knot today.

Gosh, writing that down feels weird. And the significance of what it means feels crazy. Not that he’s found happiness, or a new love or even that he doesn't or didn't want to marry me - just, I mean, he's getting married? I’m not sharing this with you to judge, I find writing it here enables me to process my feelings in a way I can't anywhere else.
Of course, the whole situation feels weird - and the irrational side of my brain lets doubt creep in that I wasn't good enough, but I'll always see sense and know that's ridiculous. I think it's more of an overwhelming desire to know he'll be okay, that he's making good choices, even if that isn't my business anymore.

I’ve found love, too. In the last place I thought I’d find it, with a person I didn't think could possibly exist, in a time period that I didn’t feel I’d be able to let myself fall. But I did - and I feel the luckiest girl in the world right now (more on that later). 

I guess I'm just not in the same headspace, as to be ready to make such a monumental life commitment.

And I care about Daniel, a lot. I always will - because I spent 7 years holding him with the fullest of hearts, I believed in him and will always see the good that was there and still is, even if it’s a different kind and from afar.

I just want him to be happy.

To be the happiest and most fulfilled he can be.

We all make mistakes, but holding anything bitterly in your heart, continuing to carry any resentment wont take you anywhere but downhill in life. And so I want the best for him, in all of the ways.

I'm soaring, now. 

And I'm painting the world with my colours.

I believe we are all built to achieve greatness and that these things are sent to try us, to make sure we’re really ready to face all of the shit life will throw at us on the way.

I wake up every day now appreciating the opportunities this sad period in my life has opened doors to.

I accept that yes, sometimes I’ll feel sad about us and that it's okay that today I've woken up with a heavier heart than yesterday. But I also accept that it’s okay to keep him in my heart, it would be foolish not to. The journey with him, through the good and the bad has contributed to the person I am, the person I'm becoming, and I’m happy with that person. I’m glad to be who I am. And I’m glad for him, for us.

I started the first chapter to my new book in March - it’s greeted me with open arms and pushed me higher than I ever thought I could go.

We are capable of amazing things. Even if we don't know it yet.

And the world is full of incredible people.

You’re one of them.


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12 comments:

Kirsty W said...

I remember reading that post back in March and thinking how utterly devastating it must have been for you. I know I've never met you but it's still been so lovely to see you moving on and finding happiness despite everything.

I know that I'd find it so difficult not to harbour resentment in a situation like this but everything you've said here is so true and it's inspiring to see that you've dealt with this in such an honest way.

Ulrike Schulz said...

It must be so hard but you seem very strong. We can't influence other people's behaviour. In this case you just need to try to concentrate on your own life. You're doing already fine. Of course, it's unavoidable to feel bad on the day they got married. But look forward to the days coming after (and delete him from FB if you haven't done already) x

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Joanne Sherrell said...

This was so beautifully elocuted. And I can totally relate. Not so much the ex partner getting married, but a recent breakup with my son's Dad, surrounding pretty crazy circumstances. I know how it feels to appreciate pain and realise just how well it has treated you and enabled you to grow, in the long run. Well done for being so strong, although a lot of people will probably insist there was no other choice :) xx

Tessa said...

This was a really beautiful read, you write so eloquently about such a difficult time. It sounds like you're becoming stronger by the day and that's a really extraordinary thing given the situation, I hope you continue to soar!

Tessa at Bramble & Thorn

Cherie Tang said...

What an amazing post, so brave of you to talk about something so personal. Good for you for moving on! Great post and that photo is incredible :)
https://cherieedle.blogspot.com/

Hannah Lucy said...

I cannot imagine what you must have gone through, a heartbreaking moment in your life but like you said you will realise that this was a momentous time in your life that will make you who you are today xx

www.ohjanuary.blogspot.co.uk

Lucy Old said...

This is such a beautiful post. You have such a grounded and open view of life.
Although I don't know you personally, having read your blog pretty much since it began, it is so lovely to watch you grow as a person. Your content has always been great but I feel as though in the past few months it has completely soared. I always love reading what you have to say or recommend. Weather its life advice, a diary entry or a cracking fashion post. As we all go through life changing events and have struggles of our own, its a lovely place to come and find some perspective. To see what you can do if you just allow yourself to. You should be damn proud of what you have achieved - but Im sure you know that :)
I hope you are having a wonderful day and I look forward to what more this blog/you have to offer!

Lucy xxx
http://www.louminous.com

Beautylymin said...

You're inspirational, Megs xx

Beautylymin

livelifedeeply said...

I wish there was a way for me to say the same thing about the one I love.

I have been in love for three years and he doesn't love me back - we're friends but he has no deeper feelings for me, like I have for him. It kills me to see him flirting with and dating other girls, I've become the most jealous person, and it's messing with my head and life... but we can't go separate ways (work and private life never mix together quite well but when you spend 70% of your time at work and the rest asleep... you're bound to find love there). I love him and it kills me to not be able to be the one he wants and yet all I want is for him to be happy.

Miche said...

Your honesty and openness are so impressive. I went through a similar experience last December, and like you, have come to to a place where I'm ready to not be weighed down by it any more. You're right to constantly be putting that doubt in check, you are wonderful. So glad you are in a good place with this.

Miche from Buttons and Birdcages

Becky Nicholson said...

This is a lovely post and a beautiful image to go with it. It's brave of you to open up like this and I'm sure your readers appreciate your honesty and rawness <3

Becky
XO

http://missflossyxo.blogspot.co.uk

Brittany Messner said...

I've been meaning to find this post ever since I saw you and Alex share that amazing photo on IG! Girl, I cannot even imagine, 7 years is a long time and even longer to have to let go. I think it's so incredibly mature of you to take it for what it is and appreciate the time you two did have together. I

n other news, your new beau looks absolutely charming! I'm so glad you have found a way to move on and be happy, even if you do have some sad days. I still think about my first love from time to time, it's impossible not to! Even if it wasn't great, the emotions of being a teenager stick in your memory like permanent glue. I blame it on raging hormones lol.

Keep smiling! Even though I've never met you, your attitude is infectious. What a lovely person you seem to be, inside and out :) xx

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