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Wednesday, 2 December 2015


A blog post on the troubles of coming to terms with your partner being a single male parent
Photography by Alexandra Cameron: 'In two minds'
I found myself in a new relationship. I wasn't expecting it to happen. I definitely wasn't looking for it. But I think the universe can throw us opportunities and challenges at the craziest of times to see if we'll soar or come crashing down.

I feel like I kept steady for a while, gliding and feeling the breeze between my wings and mostly it felt effortless. Until it didn't.

He makes me so happy, the happiest. But what is life without a challenge?

Our challenge, came in the shape of a slightly smaller, much younger (and cuter) version of Jamie. His son.

Unlike situations you'd normally stumble upon, Jamie's little boy lives with him full-time (although he still has a wonderful relationship with his mother), and these two cheeky chaps have set up their own little Batchelor pad - with a little house rabbit to match...sort of. 

His son really is brilliant, he's smart and kind and loving and everything you could hope a six year old to be. When Jamie and I first met and he told me he had a child - I didn't bat an eyelid. I mean, I wasn't expecting it, but I wasn't thinking I wanted to run for the hills. 
My mum and dad separated when I was younger too, and my mum met someone new and he's one of the best men I'll ever know. And it may not be biologically so, but he is my dad - through and through. So, it was certainly new for me, but it didn't feel that scary - simply because if my dad had done it, why couldn't I?

But that's just it. We're not all built the same and what we think we can deal with and what we actually can are two different things. 

I can't quite pinpoint what it is that's so difficult for me to feel confident in the situation. 

Perhaps it's that I've never had a child before.
Perhaps it's that he already has a mother in his life, so what role do I need to play?
Perhaps it's that Jamie never thought he'd have to consider a different life with his son other than the one he'd built.
So perhaps that means the adjustment for Jamie is so great, that the transition seems almost impossible. 
Perhaps it's that after all the hurt I experienced in my last relationship, it's incredibly difficult for me to see a future with anyone
And perhaps that means that having a child in the scenario means I have to be able to see a future, because that's a situation you can't be selfish in - not once you've made the decision to commit, at least. 

Perhaps it's that I just don't know. 

And that's the scary thing. 

I love Jamie, an insane amount. He's given me happiness I didn't think possible. He's shown me what it truly is to be content. Like, actually happy

So how could I walk away from that? 

Is it as simple as saying if I love Jamie that I should be able to take on anything life throws at us? 

Is it as simple as saying why should a child even be complicating things? 

I thought it was, but now we're here, 9 months in and I'm treading water. I'm in love with my relationship with Jamie, and I think his little boy is wonderful. But both Jamie and I are living in fear of what our relationship as a 3 means. And that's not fair. Since all the horribleness last year, I'd learnt to live in the moment, taking each day as it comes and enjoying my life - but this part just feels so much harder. 

It's safe to say that I have never been more confused. 

So I guess it's a matter of time, really. A matter of time before we know whether we can or we can't. If I can.

...If I can, what, actually? 

I know I don't need to be his mother, all I would need to do is be there, for both of them, with both of them and we'd figure it out as we go along. 

So why does that seem like the scariest thing in the world?



Charlotte Rumsby said...

Props to you for not letting something like this put you off. I'd feel so overwhelmed if I found out a potential partner had a child! Just take each day as it comes and if it's meant to be then it will be fine. Stay positive!

Charlotte / Styleaked

Jessica Edmunds said...

I think you are so brave as so many people deal with this situation in a bad way, my stepmum prevented me from living with my dad but I think when you are truly in love you can make it work and as long as you are happy xxxx


Josie Brownlee said...

Wonderful post, I wish I could give you some really good advice, but being completely inexperienced in any sort of relationship, I probably don't know what you're going through. It sounds as if you really love them both (which is great and I'm very happy for you that you've found this love in your life) but I understand that the concept of a child (someone else's child) is a difficult adventure to take on board, especially when you're still very young too. I think you need to try and think about exactly what is that's holding you back and then decide on whether that reason is enough to make your decision.

I always like to think that we are always able to handle whatever life throws at us. Good Luck

JosieVictoriaa // josievictoriaa.blogspot.co.uk // Lifestlye, Travel and Fashion

Sophie Carter said...

It's a tricky one isnt it! My other half has 2 little girls... One is 4 and one is 6 and they are honestly the BEST little girls ever. We've been together over a year and it certainly hasnt come without it's problems. The longer you are together though, the easier it gets because you do learn to adapt. I couldn't imagine my life without the 3 of them in it now! :) x

Lily France said...

I will forever love your honesty in blog posts, and how you seem to put emotions into words so well. The fact that you're considering everything and everybody so carefully just shows you're the perfect kind of person for both Janie and mini-Jamie to have in their lives.

I must also add that I just started crying whilst reading this post. As a girl who had her heart spectaculary broken only 2 days ago by a boy she cared about a hell of a lot, I'm still very much in the 'how will I ever trust anyone again?' mindset, and it's scary. So thank you for sharing that it's ok to feel like this. Thank you <3

lily x

Dash Sonic said...

great post. i like it. feeling great when reading your post .
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Rachael Kilgour said...

This is such an honest post! My friend was in a similar situation (she is the parent) and I told her that if it ever get to the point where they realised that they 'couldn't', she'd regret all of the time she spent deliberating it while they were in a place that they still 'could'. Confusion and worry will come and go - but a love like that is a stubborn little bugger :) x

Sara Brett said...

I also had a relationship with someone a little older who had two children. Difference was despite being maternal and caring, I couldn't accept it: his daughter was spiteful, manipulative and could do no wrong in his eyes. I realised soon enough that if I felt that way about his won daughter there was no future for me and him. Despite this I think your situation is so different- you've described his son in such a beautiful way in this post, and I think life is all about challenges, whether this experience lasts a life time or just a few years you will learn things about life and yourself that you would not have done otherwise. Keep at it- you'll know when is the time to decide. And good for you for writing yet another heart felt open post!


Sheren Mhanaya said...

Despite all of the comments and advice you're likely to receive on this, I think this is one of those situations in which there is no right answer. There is no 'well you'll be crazy if you don't do this' kind of things as it all comes down to how you're feeling and your happiness. Take it as it comes as you might feel differently in a short amount of time. Wishing you lots of luck Xx


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