|Photography by Alexandra Cameron: 'In two minds'|
I found myself in a new relationship. I wasn't expecting it to happen. I definitely wasn't looking for it. But I think the universe can throw us opportunities and challenges at the craziest of times to see if we'll soar or come crashing down.
I feel like I kept steady for a while, gliding and feeling the breeze between my wings and mostly it felt effortless. Until it didn't.
He makes me so happy, the happiest. But what is life without a challenge?
Our challenge, came in the shape of a slightly smaller, much younger (and cuter) version of Jamie. His son.
Unlike situations you'd normally stumble upon, Jamie's little boy lives with him full-time (although he still has a wonderful relationship with his mother), and these two cheeky chaps have set up their own little Batchelor pad - with a little house rabbit to match...sort of.
His son really is brilliant, he's smart and kind and loving and everything you could hope a six year old to be. When Jamie and I first met and he told me he had a child - I didn't bat an eyelid. I mean, I wasn't expecting it, but I wasn't thinking I wanted to run for the hills.
My mum and dad separated when I was younger too, and my mum met someone new and he's one of the best men I'll ever know. And it may not be biologically so, but he is my dad - through and through. So, it was certainly new for me, but it didn't feel that scary - simply because if my dad had done it, why couldn't I?
But that's just it. We're not all built the same and what we think we can deal with and what we actually can are two different things.
I can't quite pinpoint what it is that's so difficult for me to feel confident in the situation.
Perhaps it's that I've never had a child before.
Perhaps it's that he already has a mother in his life, so what role do I need to play?
Perhaps it's that Jamie never thought he'd have to consider a different life with his son other than the one he'd built.
So perhaps that means the adjustment for Jamie is so great, that the transition seems almost impossible.
Perhaps it's that after all the hurt I experienced in my last relationship, it's incredibly difficult for me to see a future with anyone.
And perhaps that means that having a child in the scenario means I have to be able to see a future, because that's a situation you can't be selfish in - not once you've made the decision to commit, at least.
Perhaps it's that I just don't know.
And that's the scary thing.
I love Jamie, an insane amount. He's given me happiness I didn't think possible. He's shown me what it truly is to be content. Like, actually happy.
So how could I walk away from that?
Is it as simple as saying if I love Jamie that I should be able to take on anything life throws at us?
Is it as simple as saying why should a child even be complicating things?
I thought it was, but now we're here, 9 months in and I'm treading water. I'm in love with my relationship with Jamie, and I think his little boy is wonderful. But both Jamie and I are living in fear of what our relationship as a 3 means. And that's not fair. Since all the horribleness last year, I'd learnt to live in the moment, taking each day as it comes and enjoying my life - but this part just feels so much harder.
It's safe to say that I have never been more confused.
So I guess it's a matter of time, really. A matter of time before we know whether we can or we can't. If I can.
...If I can, what, actually?
I know I don't need to be his mother, all I would need to do is be there, for both of them, with both of them and we'd figure it out as we go along.
So why does that seem like the scariest thing in the world?