A few weeks back on Twitter I mentioned that I was feeling inadequate. Now when I say that, I don't mean I'm sat here comparing myself to other people. I always try my very best not to do that. I'm a firm believer that this is your journey and it's completely up to you how you choose to do it. But what about when you don't know how to do it? I mean inadequate in the sense that, I'm running in circles and not being the person I want to be...the person I want to be, is the best version of me.
So here's the deal.
I'm my own boss and whilst it's one of the best decisions I've ever made, it's also really bloody hard. And my own worst enemy is myself. I know that I've achieved personal milestones with this blog that I couldn't have even imagined a few years ago. It was purely a hobby and to have taken it from that to my full-time job should be enough, but it's just not.
I feel stagnant, stunted creatively. I want to improve my content, my direction, myself. But I just don't feel like I have the ability, the capability, to do it. I'm not naturally a business woman so I'm learning as I go and I guess that sometimes means that I feel...I feel like I'm failing.
I get frustrated that I don't have all the answers right now. And whilst I mostly try to live in the 'moment' it's incredibly difficult to not know what my next paid job will be, so if one day isn't a huge 'success' it feels like it may as well never have happened. Anxiety plays a huge part - I find myself constantly worrying about the smallest things and pretty soon, I've made a mountain out of a mole hill, all on my own.
Now I also understand that it's not appealing to be negative - but I do think that it's important to be able to address your feelings; it's part of the process of working your way out of a funk, right?
So I sat in a pitty party for a few days and then I decided to do a few things...
1. MAKE A PLAN.
I took a quiet week to make a plan for the next two months. Believe it or not since I started blogging full-time I haven't once made a plan. I just haven't had the time, and it's meant living in chaos. Just the simple task of writing down what I want to create for my business over the next little while has stopped my mind from spinning quite so fast.
2. TAKE A BREAK.
I've decided that once a month I need a weekend off. Working for myself means that I struggle to switch off and have down time, I always work weekends and my hours of work are never fixed. So at the end of this month Jamie and I are going away for a weekend break; I'll bring my camera along to capture the memories and share them with you at a later date - but for those few days it'll just be him and I. It's important.
3. MAKE A LIST OF WHAT YOU'RE GRATEFUL FOR.
Just simply writing down one or two things that make you feel grateful for what you do, helps you to remember why you love doing it.
- Taking photographs with Alex is one of my favourite things to do. Not only does she so effortlessly create magic with her storytelling images, but she's one of my best friends - so basically we're just hanging out, having a chat and she's snapping away; it's simple and fun. She's helped me be myself, in so many more ways than capturing beautiful photography. But because of that raw talent of hers, I've been able to share my stories the way I've always dreamed. And for her I'll always be grateful.
- Having a partner that understands it all. Be-it that I have to work long hours, that I am often consumed by my projects because I feel so passionate about them or that I may be away days or weeks at a time. Jamie gets me like no-one ever has because our brains work the same way. And every day that passes is another day I'm grateful to have someone so supportive and wonderful as a constant in my life.
And those three simple things have turned a shitty start to January 2016 in to a life hurdle that's way more easy to jump. We can all feel like we're failing sometimes. Your success is measured by your own perception - and it's easy to get swallowed up in what things could be. It is okay to not have all the answers right now - no-one expects you to. But what's important is that you allow yourself to do all of this - allow yourself to feel the lows, so that you can appreciate when something truly amazing happens. I don't think there's anything wrong with acknowledging that you want to better yourself - but do it kindly, be good to yourself, because chances are you deserve a pat on the back.
A perfect life doesn't exist.
But a really happy life does.
|Photography by Alexandra Cameron. Click here to book your first shoot.|