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Tuesday, 18 October 2016

AT THE BOTTOM.




I wake up every morning and an instant dread flows through me. It’s time to get up, again. 

I suppose it’s been a while since I’ve woken up and felt positivity. 

God knows why I’ve been so ashamed, so determined not to show the cracks. I’ve always prided myself on being honest and open and unafraid to be so. But just lately it felt like admitting weakness to anyone was an immediate acceptance of personal failure. 

Every day is a viscous cycle: of beating myself up for not doing enough and half accepting that I need a break. 

I cry most days, I loathe putting my makeup on and facing the world with a smile, and I’m exhausted, physically, emotionally. I have a pile of life worries that follow me around like a dark shadow; they jump out in front of me every few days and make it impossible to see clearly. 

I feel sad, uninspired. It feels like nothing I do in any aspect of my life will ever be good enough. I work so hard and feel like every step I take to achieve something involves a brick wall that takes all my energy to knock down with no reward on the other side. 

I’m trying not to be sorry because I know someone else has it worse than I do. I have a wonderful life and the burden of frustration I carry around knowing that and still not being happy weighs me down. What have you got to be sad about, Megan? 

Writing helps some - I forgot that. And in my determination to show the world how ‘okay’ I was, I lost perspective. I know through being honest, whatever that entails, I show myself more strength – strength I haven’t been able to show through putting on a brave face. 

I’m hoping that today marks a change for the better. For accepting I’m not doing so well and that it doesn’t make me less, less, anything

I’m going to contact my GP and get advice about seeing a therapist. I’m going to try and lessen the pressure to be anything more than I am capable of in that moment. I’m going to attempt to communicate what I need to get through this, personally and professionally. 

I want to take responsibility for my mental health. Fight a little bit harder to understand where all of this is coming from. Fight a little bit harder for me.

Photography by Alexandra Cameron.

Oh, and if you like my PJ's, you can find them here and here :-)


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20 comments:

Malu Swartjes said...

As always stunning pictures... Thanx for sharing! :)
xx
BLES Magazine: the brand new online magazine about Beauty Life Entertainment & Style!


Angela Shek said...

ah Megs! After a year of panic and anxiety attacks, I found a therapist this year and it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. Taking the first steps to see one is half the battle. We focus so much on our physical well being we forget that our mental well being needs looking after too! I found therapy daunting on my first session, but honestly, it got easier as each session continues. Sometimes I'd have a session booked and think "but i've got nothing to say" but would still come out of it having talked and listened my ear off. It sounds flippant to say 'it'll be fine', but that's what got me through it. Sending all the positivity vibes your way! x

Maeve Waite said...

Hey Megs,
Reading this reminded me of the exact time I felt the same as you do now. Literally everything you've written here - I went through the same things and can really relate. I've struggled with my mental health for years, and it was really hard to get back up and get myself to the doctors (it took years). But as soon as I did, nothing but relief! I've seen two therapists over the years and as cliche as it might sound, it honestly changed my life for the better. I'm now rarely feeling low or down, generally I have a much more positive outlook on everything, and I feel happier in myself. So I guess what I'd say is hang in there, things will definitely get better - you're being incredibly strong just by admitting what's going on so remember to reward yourself for that! :) lots of love,
Maeve x

Clan Wallaces said...

Hi there ditto everyone above. You are incredibly brave for clicking the publish button. Well done you.
Sometimes writing helps yes but sometimes writing hinders as we get frustrated with the process and projects we take on. Bear in mind that when it comes to mental health sometimes it's not you. It can be a simple play with hormones and the body sometimes needs help to recover. I also suffered with issues similar to you within the past few years and yes it is important to take care of you. Mind, body and soul but never think that you are alone. You never are really. You are loved. Xoxo Spirandi.

Jenny Cleeton said...

Hey Megs, you are so brave for publishing this. I know that can be quite hard to hear, accept or even just reply to but you are. Saying I am okay is something that so many people say in fear that people will judge them or tire of hearing about themselves but you should speak up and if writing helps write until your heart is content - or whatever the hell that saying is. When I was in this state, I went to see a therapist and it really does help. I hope everything gets better for you soon and if you ever just need to talk to someone, find me on twitter and I will listen (read) xx

Jenny
jacandthebox.co.uk

whatnatalieloves said...

My heart goes out to you! It's scary to become vulnerable and especially in front of a huge audience. You should be really proud of yourself and you've taken that first step. It's OK to have down days, it's not a step backwards, it's just life. It's how we bounce back from these days that matter most :) xx

Chelsea Jade said...

Hey, well done for writing a post and being so brave!

I've suffered with seasonal affective disorder for the past 6 years and the depression can get quite bad. I wrote a short post during one of my states of depression the other year: http://www.chelseajadeloves.com/2015/01/a-little-mia-and-sad.html (I don't know if it will help to know someone else feels similar).

Definitely go to your GP, they deal with issues like this all the time and will hopefully refer you to some form of talking therapy. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is very good for depression, I studied psychology and I remember this therapy having very good results.

One of the hardest bits for me in my first year a while back was the frustration of having nothing to be sad about but when your mindset changes a little and you take it as just a reaction in the brain rather than a result of something in your life, I think it begins to get better.

I hope you feel better soon! Hang in there because it really does get better.

Chelsea Jade
x

Khrissie Loves said...

You've just taken the first step in progress to a happier you! I appreciate anyone who puts their heart and soul out on the internet for everyone to see. I'm so sad to hear your not feeling great, I've been through a very down time at the end of last year, start of this. I still have off days but I'm feeling much better.... What I realised is that I needed to assess my life to work out what was bringing me down, I wrote everything down and took a moment to think about how it made me feel. I realised that I needed to change my job, I had to work on my relationship that was bothering me and I had to accept that being on social media too much, made me want to much in my life.

I've also been doing a mediation course called Mindspo, I would highly recommend it. Rochelle is amazing at making you look at your life diffferently and to practise meditation everyday. My anxiety has improved SO MUCH! I feel so clear headed and calmer too!

I hope some of this may help and if your anything like me than improving your problems yourself if way more rewarding (I tried therapy too but I didn't get on with it)

Khrissie xxxx

Lauren Maria said...

Look after ourself honey, life is hard even when you do have a generally good life. Take some time out to get better
Lauren
livinginaboxx | bloglovin

Josie Brownlee said...

This literally describes me a couple of weeks ago. I totally understand these feelings, the feeling of not being worthy, constantly tired, exhausted from pretending you're ok all the time and to fight back the tears.

All I can say is that it will get better and this step is just what I'd say to kickstart the process. Seeing a therapist has really helped me unload my thoughts and worries and helps share the burden with someone who I don't feel guilty sharing them with! I hope it helps to speak it out with someone and we're always here if you want to unload onto us!!

Thank You for sharing this with us - it's so brave for you to share it on the internet!

Josie // JosieVictoriaa // Travel, Fashion & Lifestyle

Unknown said...

Oh so relatable. Blogging helps, I find it less lonely. I hope you Feel better soon.

Lauren Britton Loves said...

I've felt many of the fears and feelings you've addressed here Megs, and I think sharing and telling others is so important; sending you all the love <3

Lauren x
Britton Loves | Lifestyle Beauty Wellbeing

Cocoa Chelsea said...

Hey my honey bun.

I envy your bravery to click publish - something I haven't yet been able to do. Without going into detail - I felt & related to every word of this. I'm so sorry to hear that you feel like this - it is truely the worst feeling in the world.
We spend all day applying products that make our skin and hair feel good and then have massages to make our bodys feel better, eat well and dress well but it is still uncommon to talk about, let alone do something that is purely to make our brains feel happier and discuss when they dont. I admire you completely and think you are totally wonderful inside & out, before and after reading this. You are one of the only genuine, interesting, inspiring and gorgeous people I've met in the blogging world.

Coffee soon please. X

Lucy Honeywell said...

Great post, so important to bring to light.

I struggled with something similar last year, and its been a long journey but here is what I have found has helped. Of course, every individual is different but hopefully you'll find some of it as helpful as me!

- I stopped taking the pill. This was causing me to have mood swings, and put me in a depressed state. It basically put my hormones completely out of whack of their normal balance. Some people don't get affected by it, but by gum, I did! I then went to see a naturopath who put me on lots of supplements to naturally get everything back to being ship shape. Natural cycle is a really good contraceptive alternative, have a cheeky look.
- A shot of apple cider vinegar in the morning ad afternoon. This stuff is amazing!!! Its pretty gross, but once you get the benefits you'll start looking forward to it. Gut health is linked directly to mental health and ACV detoxifies the liver enabling it to do its job properly. Loads more info here http://depressivedisorder.blogspot.com.au/2014/05/apple-cider-vinegar-against-depression.html but basically, its amazing stuff. I only researched the link ACV helping depression after I had started for other reasons as I noticed such a huge change in my mood. Make sure it has 'the mother' ingredient in it.
- Yoga. I have been going to yoga for the past 3/4 months and although I don't want to sound like another 'yogi', it has really altered how I feel. Not only does it force you to listen to your body, it also changed my whole attitude towards it. I realised my body was amazing, and so adaptable. Day by day it is getting stronger and bendier. Bloody fantastic. Yoga also massages the internal organs, again detoxifying organs. Win win.

Good luck with it all.

Lucy Honeywell x

Lucy Honeywell said...

Hey lovely ladies (and gents, of course)of the internet,

I suffered with something very similar a last year, and is still something I know I must keep at bay, but there are several small things I have done that have made a big difference. Not saying that we are all the same or anything, but thought I would share in case any of them can be helpful. We've got to be in this together guys!

- I stopped taking the contraceptive pill. It massively altered my moods and left my hormones madly out of whack. I went to see a naturopath and did a hormone test...my hormones were so out that I would't have been able to get pregnant if I was trying. As a 25 year old, thats really not normal at all. I then went on a course of supplements to help get them back up to scratch. Naturally. Let food be thy medicine and all that jazz. It's cheap but has been worth it for me. Put it this way, the doctors put me on a mini pill as I told them the full pill made me have mood swings. Turns out the mini pill is more closely linked to depression. Hmmm.

- I have 2 shots of Apple Cider Vinegar everyday. I started taking this to alkalise my body but after noticing a considerable difference to my moods and having a better sense of wellbeing, I did some research. Turns out it is amazing for helping mild depression as it 'detoxifies the liver and helps to metabolise proteins. These proteins are needed to produce adequate levels of the neurotransmitter serotonin, a behaviour-regulating chemical that helps us to maintain a feeling of serenity.' Sounds like a load of cods-whollop but it has been amazing for me. Tastes pretty yucky but once you notice the benefits, its a doddle. http://depressivedisorder.blogspot.com.au/2014/05/apple-cider-vinegar-against-depression.html Do not under estimate how important gut health is!


- Yoga. Without wanting to sound like just another 'yogi', this has been brilliant. It has helped change my perception of my body (from why does it not look like a/b/c to wow, my body is an incredible machine!), taught me to be more self-aware and the mini-meditation at the end of each class is actually life changing. Just 2/3/4 minutes of quiet time. Oh, and it massages internal organs which help to detoxy those key body parts that keep us happy.

Hope you feel bright eyed and bushy tailed as soon as possible Megs, and to anyone else out where feeling low and clouded.

x

Steph Hartley said...

You are doing so well for getting up and out of bed every morning Megan! This is what I struggle with most, and I've found having a job that doesn't start until a bit later in the day really helps - it takes the pressure off. I find doing one thing you really enjoy first thing in the morning really helps. Sometimes i make a special breakfast, or have a bath or watch my favourite TV show. Anyway, I hope this helps!

Steph - www.nourishmeblog.co.uk

Kayleigh thewayiwanderlust said...

You are beautifully honest here. Bravo for that. I think everyone feels this way at some point. Days, weeks or months of the year. I know I struggle with the same thing, being a life coach I'm supposed to be positive and inspiring constantly for my clients, to admit to myself that I am sad, upset or not enjoying life is a real daily struggle for me.
The first step is admitting that its more than just having an off day, I'm glad you are seeking help and I hope that you get where you need to be.

cinnajupsi said...

Wish you strength and hope you feel better soon! Xxxx

Don Wood said...

Great post, do see your GP I always maintain the best two tablets I take each day are my antidepressants. I know if for some reason I miss taking them, GOOD LUCK. XXX

London Damsel said...

Well done for posting this, you're very brave!

I had a period when I struggled to get up, go to work and everything felt pointless and I felt like a failure (for not having the time to tidy the flat, for not keeping up with my blog, for not being kind enough to people I love, you name it).
Taking baby steps did it for me. Going to the gym even when all I wanted to do was curl up on the sofa and feel sorry for myself. Starting to write down things I did well on that day (like I made a yummy dinner) and things I'm grateful for really helped put things into perspective.

Hope you feel better soon! xxx

Maya - londondamsel.co.uk

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