I wake up every morning and an instant dread flows through me. It’s time to get up, again.
I suppose it’s been a while since I’ve woken up and felt positivity.
God knows why I’ve been so ashamed, so determined not to show the cracks. I’ve always prided myself on being honest and open and unafraid to be so. But just lately it felt like admitting weakness to anyone was an immediate acceptance of personal failure.
Every day is a viscous cycle: of beating myself up for not doing enough and half accepting that I need a break.
I cry most days, I loathe putting my makeup on and facing the world with a smile, and I’m exhausted, physically, emotionally. I have a pile of life worries that follow me around like a dark shadow; they jump out in front of me every few days and make it impossible to see clearly.
I feel sad, uninspired. It feels like nothing I do in any aspect of my life will ever be good enough. I work so hard and feel like every step I take to achieve something involves a brick wall that takes all my energy to knock down with no reward on the other side.
I’m trying not to be sorry because I know someone else has it worse than I do. I have a wonderful life and the burden of frustration I carry around knowing that and still not being happy weighs me down. What have you got to be sad about, Megan?
Writing helps some - I forgot that. And in my determination to show the world how ‘okay’ I was, I lost perspective. I know through being honest, whatever that entails, I show myself more strength – strength I haven’t been able to show through putting on a brave face.
I’m hoping that today marks a change for the better. For accepting I’m not doing so well and that it doesn’t make me less, less, anything.
I’m going to contact my GP and get advice about seeing a therapist. I’m going to try and lessen the pressure to be anything more than I am capable of in that moment. I’m going to attempt to communicate what I need to get through this, personally and professionally.
I want to take responsibility for my mental health. Fight a little bit harder to understand where all of this is coming from. Fight a little bit harder for me.